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A
DEDICATION
We'll
begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
ab..ba..ab
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PRONUNCIATION
DIFFERENCES
1)
The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
ab..ba..ab
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MORE
THINGS THAT JUST DON'T ADD UP
Quicksand
can work slowlY
Boxing rings are square
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
You can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but
one
of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
People recite at a play and play at a recital
Why do you ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
We have noses that run and feet that smell
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
Your house can burn up as it burns down
You fill in a form by filling it out
An alarm goes off by going on
If Dad is called Pop, how come Mom isn't called Mop?
ab..ba..ab
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READER CONTRIBUTIONS
from CRAIG ABBOTT
Flammable and Inflammable both mean "will go up in flames"
Famous and infamous, although one has a good connotation and one bad, both mean notorious or well-known.
Something that does not fill you with awe is probably awful.
I know now that no means no.
After sharing a piece of cake we were finally at peace.
There are also strange pronunciations in the miltary:
The colonel grabbed an ear of corn and ate all of the kernels.
The sergant barked orders from the barge.
The lieutenant stood to the left of the general.
(In correct english, lieutenant is proncounced "Lef-tenant". Americans changed it to loo-tenant since that looks right.)
from PETER BLUNDEN
You live IN a house
AT an address
ON a street
IN a city
from BRIAN FRIEDMANN
The unionized chemical workers would not work with unionized ammonia compounds.
from IDD SALIM
We drive in a parkway and park in a driveway.
ab..ba..ab
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